Sunday, 12 April 2009

Resurrection Power


Had an amazing weekend at church! Even more amazing, got in touch with an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in 7 or 8 years. While reading some of her innermost thoughts on her struggles over the years, I was inspired to get real about mine.

A few years back I suffered from black depression. It came into my life slowly, like a prowling wolf, inching it's way in. I've always been a people pleaser, wanting to be liked, loved, always worrying I had said or done something to upset or offend someone. Ultimately I think this was the open door for the wolf. I developed an eating disorder ( a cry for help?) and literally planned to physically disappear. I was totally convined this would be the best thing for my husband and child.
I got to the stage where I couldn't function - couldn't go into a shop, speak to people, think clearly - and I remember David driving me to school and the urge to yank the wheel of the car so we would crash into a wall was overwhelming. I prayed everyday, 'God please help me to feel normal'.
I sat in school one lunchtime when the class were having lunch in the dining hall, with a pair of scissors in my hand, ready to plunge it into my leg in order to feel 'something'. I lived in numbness. I thought I would never laugh or cry again.
I had to take nearly a year off work, ate antidepressants like smarties and knew the powerful lure of drink.

We think we know what people are all about and we have them labelled nicely in a box. Truth is, we don't have a clue what lies beneath. Isolation was my thing. Staying under the duvet for as long as humanly possible was a record I was determined to break. I don't know when exactly or how, but slowly the grey began to lift, and I saw God was there all along - loving me, protecting me, caring for me, healing me. It's been a slow, long road to recovery (and even now I sometimes sense the wolf lying beside me)Would I ever want to have days like that again? NO! BUT, it has added a richness to my life I never thought possible. There's still alot of change happening in my life but I'm no longer afraid of it - I'm starting to welcome it.

3 comments:

  1. Hey im glad that you had beaten the wolf out of your life Nic, ive never been through such tragic things but i know the feeling of being a people pleasure and wanting people to like me.. but girl hold your head up high as the wolf has no authority over you, God does and the person i know now is a fighting and teaches me to have strength in the lord... thank you cos u have taught me some available lessions and im glad and happy to be your friend... hope ya have a brill hol....

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  2. God love you for what you have been through and what you still battle. Everything that happens makes us who we are. And you are pretty special. So embrace the now. Look forward in small chunks - what would God have you do next? And look back in big chunks - look what you have experienced and survived. And the next time you sense the wolf lying beside you, pray for the strength to stick your scissors in him. He can only lie there now. Might as well put him out of his misery. XOX

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  3. Excellent advice!!! And it made me laugh!!! X

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