Sunday, 12 April 2009
Had an amazing weekend at church! Even more amazing, got in touch with an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in 7 or 8 years. While reading some of her innermost thoughts on her struggles over the years, I was inspired to get real about mine.
A few years back I suffered from black depression. It came into my life slowly, like a prowling wolf, inching it's way in. I've always been a people pleaser, wanting to be liked, loved, always worrying I had said or done something to upset or offend someone. Ultimately I think this was the open door for the wolf. I developed an eating disorder ( a cry for help?) and literally planned to physically disappear. I was totally convined this would be the best thing for my husband and child.
I got to the stage where I couldn't function - couldn't go into a shop, speak to people, think clearly - and I remember David driving me to school and the urge to yank the wheel of the car so we would crash into a wall was overwhelming. I prayed everyday, 'God please help me to feel normal'.
I sat in school one lunchtime when the class were having lunch in the dining hall, with a pair of scissors in my hand, ready to plunge it into my leg in order to feel 'something'. I lived in numbness. I thought I would never laugh or cry again.
I had to take nearly a year off work, ate antidepressants like smarties and knew the powerful lure of drink.
We think we know what people are all about and we have them labelled nicely in a box. Truth is, we don't have a clue what lies beneath. Isolation was my thing. Staying under the duvet for as long as humanly possible was a record I was determined to break. I don't know when exactly or how, but slowly the grey began to lift, and I saw God was there all along - loving me, protecting me, caring for me, healing me. It's been a slow, long road to recovery (and even now I sometimes sense the wolf lying beside me)Would I ever want to have days like that again? NO! BUT, it has added a richness to my life I never thought possible. There's still alot of change happening in my life but I'm no longer afraid of it - I'm starting to welcome it.