Monday, 29 June 2009
(wo)Man in the Mirror
Tomorrow is my last day at school until September - yay!!! Our lovely Coda is all settled in, church is growing, hubby and child are happy...so why am I feeling a bit yuck?
It's the whole weight issue again. I just happened to see a photo of myself taken a while back in Slovakia - skinny, tanned, with beautiful clothes that no longer fit me. Out of the blue (like a punch in the face) I started to panic - I physically started to shake. Instantly I felt disgusting, my jeans were too tight, I could pinch at least 15 inches, my face felt bloated - believe me I could go on, but I won't. I'm training myself to take these thoughts captive - I feel a bit like Coda, having to be disciplined. It's not easy - I really want to jump on the scales, design an intensive exercise regime, skip meals etc - but I won't. I do want to lose some weight but I'm still not sure if I can do that sensibly yet. Once I see the weight coming off, will the addiction grab me again? I couldn't put my family or myself through that again.
I've always wanted this blog to be real, to be honest, take off the mask - that's why I'm sharing these thoughts. Surprisingly, writing it all down and reading it back is helping me to see just how insane this thought pattern is.
I'm going to find something productive to do now - turn my thoughts and focus onto someone else - and fight for my joy.